The Big D. Yup Imma Go There.

D as in Divorce. 
D as in Divorce and I am not talking about my parents.
D as in Divorce and I am not talking about my parents I am talking about myself. 
D as in Divorce and I am not talking about my parents I am talking about myself being Divorced not once but twice. 
Yes you read that correctly I have been Divorced twice and let me tell you neither time was fun.
I do not wish Divorce on anyone. It is not something that is easy to go through and lets be honest it is not something that is easy to talk about but I will be honest and say that I am at a point in my life where I am ready to talk about it and share my experience. 
The first time I got married I was young.

I was stupid.

I was 24.

See I should have never married my first husband. We were supposed to get married June 7th 2007. Key word there is SUPPOSED to. Ya see I was at the salon getting all dolled up for what I thought was going to be my happily ever after. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting in the chair just got my hair done and was talking with the stylist about how I wanted my soon to be step-daughters hair to be. My phone rang and it was was Jason. I answered the phone and I heard the words that no bride to be wants to hear on her wedding day. 

“Nikki, I cant go through with the wedding.”
I went numb. Everything just stopped. 
I remember going home and he being there and we talked and talked and talked. He thought I was cheating on him which I was NOT. We decided that it would be best if he moved out. We continued to see each other and things got better. Then in August we eloped to Canada and got married August 11, 2007.

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Yes the is the only picture I have left from that relationship. Why? Well because I burned all the hard copies of pictures I had and I deleted the digital ones. Yeah I was that bitter at the end. And to be clear I do not have this picture actually a friend has it for me. 

Things got bad quickly again. We started fighting and again I was accused of cheating. AGAIN. I was NOT.

The truth finally came out I was told that he was actually cheating on me.
Whats worse is it was with his daughters mother.

Talk about a shot to the heart. Things got nasty! 

The abuse started. The mental, physical AND emotional abuse. Not fun. Not to mention he tried to control my every move. He would get pissed if I made plans with anyone even my mother. He would have me on the phone from literally the minute I walked out of the house until the second I walked into the house. If he heard anyones voice in the background of our phone “conversation” he would flip the fuck out. The physical abuse started and I got seriously scared and that’s when I knew I needed to leave.  I will never forget the way I felt when he had me pinned against the wall in my own bedroom. Scary. 
The Divorce was messy! It was flat out nasty! I became someone I was not. I was nasty and miserable. Usually I am a very easy go lucky kinda person but I guess when you are put in a hard situation you tend to shut down and push everyone away and that was EXACTLY what I did. Not one of my proudest moments.

See I had owned my house since the time I was 21. Once we got married however it became marital property which meant he was “entitled” to half of it. Well I was determined not to let him get one red cent of that house. I also had a better job than him and made more money than him so he thought it would be a good idea to try to get alimony from me. That didn’t go over to well with my lawyer. In February of 2008 9 agonizing months later I was officially divorced and free of Jason.

Fast forward to April 15, 2011 and I married who I thought was my best friend and the man that I was going to legit spend the rest of my life with.

He and I dated for 2 years and got engaged while we were on vacation in St. Lucia. I was so excited and happy to be able to call him my husband. We planned our wedding and had a amazing day. I can not and will not take that away from us.

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After our wedding we had a few wonderful months and then things started to change. I noticed things with him that were just off. I noticed he had a problem and when I confronted him about it he denied it and denied it. It was apparent that he had issues that needed to be worked on. He had drinking and drug issues. I told him that I wanted to help him and that I wanted him to help himself so it would help our marriage. I told him that with my job -I am a government employee- I could not have that kind of substance around me. I was not asking him to totally give up drinking but I was asking him to cut back form 2 bottles a night. I was however asking him to totally give up the drugs. He knew this. I was devastated. I told him he needed to make a decision. He told me that he could not give up the drugs and alcohol. I asked him if he knew what that meant? He said yes and we separated.

The divorce process with him was a lot easier. We didn’t fight. He didn’t try to do anything stupid and I was civil with him even though I was so hurt from him.

March 19, 2011 just shy of our 1 year wedding anniversary our divorce was finalized.

There I put it out there. I am a 20 something who has been divorced not once but twice and ya know what? I am okay with it. I had my issues I dealt with them. Do I wish I was still married? Sometimes yes I do but I know that if I stayed in either of these relationships I would either be dead or just flat out miserable. I do not wish divorce on anyone. Everyone wants their happily ever after but some of us just dont get it. I often say I will never get married again and when I say that people are like Nikki never say never. But I can honestly say that I NEVER want to get married again. I will be with someone. I will live with someone. I will have kids with someone one day but I will never get married again and I am okay with that.

Isaiah 43:18
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.”

  Hugs, Nikki

I have 27 Lovely Comments, I would love to have yours... on The Big D. Yup Imma Go There.

  1. avatar
    July 3, 2012

    Wow you’re one strong girl to go through twice. I couldn’t have gone through that at all. But it’s better to be single then deal with that for the rest your life.

  2. avatar
    Sinead says:
    July 3, 2012

    What a brave post!! Thanks for sharing, it must have been quite hard to write xx

  3. avatar
    July 3, 2012

    I LOVE YOU NIKKI!!! And I’m always here for you if you need me, chicky.

    xoxoxo

  4. avatar
    July 3, 2012

    You just hit another milestone by opening up to us and writing this post. I applaud you for your bravery. And you know, things sometimes get shitty, but at least you did something about it. Go you! :::I jump up with cheerleader poms poms:::::

    Only thing that ever is important is that YOU are happy with your life, which clearly you are. So again, go you!! ::::pom poms::::

  5. avatar
    Niki says:
    July 3, 2012

    Wow, Nikki, I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through. I’m sure one divorce was tough, especially it being so bad. But a second must have been devastating. You are obviously very, very strong and I have so much respect for you for opening up about this.

  6. avatar
    Alissa says:
    July 3, 2012

    I know you’re in a better place now, and I’m happy for you.

    Sad that all of this had to happen, but happy for where you are now 🙂

  7. avatar
    Jess says:
    July 3, 2012

    Thank you for sharing this. I personally have never been in any of your situations, but I am sure someone reading your post has, and you made them not feel alone.

    I am very glad you left your first marriage. A good friend of mine lost her life as a victim to domestic violence from a man she was separated from. It was a terrible tragedy and I am glad that did not happen to you.

    You are a strong woman, and know what you want out of your life and your next relationship!

  8. avatar
    Holly says:
    July 3, 2012

    wow, what a brave and honest post! I commend you 🙂 You are a strong gal! xoxo

  9. avatar
    July 3, 2012

    I love you for sharing this story – I’m sure it wasn’t easy. Not gonna lie though, I’ve been wondering about it since your vlog. I hope that you are in a much better place these days, with your life in general. I love your 2nd wedding dress so much!! Hugs!

  10. avatar
    July 3, 2012

    Your honesty is amazing…thanks for Sharing! God always has a better plan:-)

  11. avatar
    J and A says:
    July 3, 2012

    You are so strong and brave. I know this has only made you EVEN stronger!! You are amazing. And some man will be very lucky to have you.

  12. avatar
    Nichole says:
    July 3, 2012

    Oh Nikki. I am so sorry to read this post. I’m only married (and obvs still currently) the one time. But the guy before my now husband was a cheater and used to accuse me of things all the time like that. I don’t want to say all “cheaters” act like that but it does seem to be a pattern. I’m sorry for divorce #2 as well. Scott seems just from this post like a way better spouse minus his abuse issues. Hopefully he will get the help he needs. I hope you find someone truly amazing and worthy of YOU, someday. Thanks for sharing your story <3

  13. avatar
    Mama2Kayden says:
    July 3, 2012

    Nikki, even though we have already privately shared our relationship stories, I commend you for opening up about it on your blog. Very brave of you! Remember no one can MAKE you happy. You have the power within to control your own happiness and it looks like you are already on your way. 🙂

  14. avatar
    Angie says:
    July 3, 2012

    Nikki, you ROCK! I have also been married twice. I have also been divorced twice. I also will never marry again. I will love someone again, maybe, in a life far from now, and maybe I’ll find a happily ever after, but it will not involve the signing of a document to become husband and wife. Never. Again. *hugs!!!*

  15. avatar
    lil desiqua says:
    July 3, 2012

    You are not just brave for posting this and opening up to a bunch of (mostly) strangers, but also for actually leaving these toxic relationships/marriages. I know lots of women who would be much too scared to even think about leaving, and I hope that some of them are reading this and gaining some of your strength and resolve! I hope writing this helped you too! Thank you for sharing this.

  16. avatar
    JKT says:
    July 3, 2012

    I agree with what everyone else has said on this blog! Even thought I don’t know you personally and have not been following your blog for that long- simply by reading what you write I can tell that- you are a strong and brave woman! It takes courage to write about your personal lives to a lot of people you may not even know. And even more courage to leave the relationships when you know that you needed to. It is empowering and inspiring to hear about a woman doing what she needs to do for herself and getting out of a bad situation. I applaud you for taking the time to share this with all of us. I admire and appreciate you!

  17. avatar
    Mama2Kayden says:
    July 3, 2012

    Ooops, and I meant to add that I LOVE LOVE your dress in #2 wedding!
    And, neither of those men deserved a cool chick like you!

  18. avatar
    Jane says:
    July 3, 2012

    You are so strong and wonderful. You deserve someone who is in the relationship 100%. Yeah, it sucks to be divorced twice, but you made the best possible decisions for yourself. You stuck by Scott even when those issues arose. But, you can’t help someone who isn’t willing to help themselves. Lots of hugs. You were so brave to write this.

  19. avatar
    Raven says:
    July 3, 2012

    I think you are amazing. I really do. Not only for sharing this, and probably helping others out there in the same situation, but for being upfront and honest and real, and THAT is what people connect to.

    I have no doubt that you have grown leaps and bounds since these two things happened to you, and one day you will make your lifelong husband SUPER happy 🙂

    loved this. and love you!!

  20. avatar
    Jamie says:
    July 3, 2012

    What a wonderfully honest post.

  21. avatar
    Amber says:
    July 4, 2012

    Girlie… thank you so much for sharing this! As a 28yr old who has been married, divorced, and then back again, it helps so much to hear that there are other people who have been there, done that, and made it through the “rough patches”.

  22. avatar
    July 4, 2012

    Wow, thank you so much for sharing your heart with all of us! I can’t imagine how painful it would be to go through all of that – you are SO strong! Like the others have said before me, I really admire your bravery in getting yourself out of the abusive relationship with Jason, as well as the way you stood by Scott and tried to make it work.

    I am glad that you are taking steps toward figuring out what makes you happy! 🙂

  23. avatar
    Jessica says:
    November 18, 2012

    I got here through your birthday post – wow, you are STRONG, lady! Good for you for doing what was best for YOU, even though that was not the easiest option. And thanks for sharing. You seriously rock!

  24. avatar
    SEL says:
    November 18, 2012

    Thanks for sharing your story, friend. I already know how strong you are mentally. I’m glad you had the courage to stand up for yourself, for what you deserve, and for what’s right, even when it’s not the easy road.

    I admire your strength.

    xo

  25. avatar
    Michael says:
    February 19, 2013

    Just… Wow. #1 would have turned me into a bitter and miserable person too throughout that ordeal. #2 is just…sad. For you, yes, but also for him. You and your marriage wasn’t enough for him and he wasn’t willing to make the sacrifice for what was REALLY important.

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