Do you ever sit back and evaluate where you are now to where you were just a mer year ago? I was thinking about the person I was and how I carried myself, how I presented my self, the way I dressed, the way I spoke, the way I was on social media, the way I interacted with people, the friends I had. Looking back, I don’t like the person I WAS and I am so glad I decided I needed to check myself and work on myself. Heck I remember saying to Mr. Big Truck if you would have met me a year earlier than you did you wouldn’t have liked me. True statement.
Looking back at the way I presented myself I am honestly ashamed. I mean I would wear sweatpants, yoga pants, workout pants just about everyday. I rarely, if ever did my hair or makeup. Most day’s my hair was up in a pony tail with a headband on. Occasionally I would wear jeans and a shirt or “real clothes” to work but, most days I would roll out of bed, throw on whatever and call it day. Weekends however were a totally different story. I ALWAYS got dressed on the weekends. Why? Because I always had something planned and wanted to put my best self forward. Why didn’t I want to put my best self forward all the time though? Looking back, it was because I didn’t care. Now however I make it a point to get dressed everyday. Even if I do not feel like it. Why? Because I want people to take me seriously. I want people to respect me. I want people to see that I care about myself. Most importantly I want #babybigtruck to see that I take the time to get myself together in the morning. I want her to have a sense of self-worth and self-respect and how will she get that? By seeing her momma having self-worth and respect in herself first. Like I said, I used to never wear makeup during the week, and like getting dressed I would only take the time to do my hair and makeup when I got dressed on the weekends, well friends I can say that now I get dressed everyday. I make the effort and take time and invest it in me.
Another area in my life I have been diligently working on is the way I speak in general and to people. To say I had a mouth of a sailor or a truck driver is an understatement. I used to chalk it up to the fact that I work on the waterfront. Then one day I came to the hard realization that I sounded like an uneducated fool. I mean I would drop the f-bomb among other horrible word choices left and right. Again ashamed. BUT I took the time to really get my mouth under control. I made it a point to make a conscious effort NOT to use cuss words. Did I slip up along the way? You bet I did but I wold always acknowledge it and move forward. Now I can proudly say that my mouth is almost cuss free! Do I still slip up from time to time? Yes I do and when I do again, I acknowledge it and move past it. Mr. Big Truck and I hold each other accountable with this. We both struggled with this and we have both made HUGE progress with it. We do not want #babybigtruck to speak like that so we are making it a point not to speak like that. Kids are sponges and like to copy their parents, so if we do not want her to do something we sure as heck are not going to do it.
Social media is another area in my life that I have been working on. I used to post anything and everything that would come to mind. Good, bad, or indifferent. Now however I make it a point to make sure that my social media presence is a positive one. I do not want to be around negativity so therefore I will not let negativity come out of me. I would seek out the negative and feed into it. Little did I know at the time how toxic it was to do that.
Friends. Man is that a HUGE one. I used to be friends with everyone and anyone. I didn’t care who you were or what you had going on in your life if you wanted to be friends I would be your friends. In hindsight that is not a good idea. I have cut many people out of my life. Why? Because of the negativity they carried around. They were full of drama or they were so self involved that if it was not about them they didn’t care. Again I did not want that in my life. It was so draining trying to ALWAYS build others up and because I was always trying to help someone else feel better about them I would let my happiness go and slowly negativity would creep its way in. Not good. You have to make sure that you are happy and healthy before you can even bother to think about helping others. That is one lesson I have learned in life. I read somewhere that you are the sum of your 5 closest friends. When I sat back and honestly looked at who my 5 closest were I knew something had to change. I started to distance myself from them and ya know what? They didn’t even notice. Guess I was not “friends” with them after all huh?
Another area I am working on is my faith. I have been a Christian since 1999, while I am sure I am not the only Christian who has fallen off track I am working to get myself back where I belong. Being a Christian is a daily thing. My walk with God is not where I would like it to be but slowly I am getting where I would love to be. The great thing about being a Christian, is that even when you sin and fall away as long as you repent God always welcomes you back. Thank you, Lord!
So yeah, I may not like the person I once was but I am LOVING the person I am becoming.