Sorting through emotions over the past few weeks has been quite the roller coaster to say the least. Thankfully I have God to help me through.
A good friend took the time to send us a book that has greatly helped me in dealing with the emotions and the transition back to what is our new reality. She sent me “I’ll Hold You in Heaven.” It has been interesting reading it. Many time I caught myself nodding my head and saying “Yes that is EXACTLY what I am thinking.”
After everything happened I found myself trying to process everything and I was asking God at first “Why me/us?” I tried to quickly change my thinking to “What lesson are you trying to teach me/us?” That mind shift was something that definitely helped me process. It helped me to move forward in life. It helped me to realize that God does have a plan.
While I was reading I came across a line “The answer to your deepest pain or most grievous heart cry lies in Scripture.” It really stopped me in my tracts and helped me to really focus on God through it all. It made me remember that in times of great pain or in times of great happiness we are to always rely on God and what the Bible says.
One thing I struggled with was accepting the fact that even though I was just 6 weeks along, I was in fact 6 weeks along with a viable significant life. At one point I tried to convince myself that I was too early in the pregnancy to really have a baby in me. Healthy right? Not so much. Then there it was. I was reminded that in the 3rd week the lobes of the braid are formed. In the 4th week the head and the face are recognizable and the heart starts to beat. In the 5th and 6th week the eyes are there and the legs and muscles are being formed. Not only was it crazy just how much had been formed, but it was really sad that I tried to deny myself of the truth.
The book referred me to Luke 1:26-56 and reminded me of the fact that passage silences the doubts of anyone who accepts the authority of God’s Holy Word. Life-personal life, meaningful life, human life in its deepest, lasting sense exists in the womb from conception. Immediately Psalm 139:13-17 was brought to my attention. For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; you works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one came to be. Well I don’t know about you but that really cemented the fact that yes I may have been just 6 weeks along but I had a baby a viable significant life.
Another thing I have been struggling with is where is our baby now? I mean our baby was not born in the flesh but our baby was in fact alive. Since our baby was alive and is now gone where is he or she?
As I continued to read and dig into the Bible John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. So if believers have eternal life then non believers have eternal loss. Heaven is for the believers while Hell is for non-believers. Hell is for people who reject Jesus. So John 3:16 makes it clear for where believers go but what about our child who did not have a chance to even hear the word let alone decide for him or herself if he or she would be a believer? Two scriptures that really give me a lot of comfort Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” And then there is Deuteronomy 1:39 And the little ones that you said would be taken captive, your children who do not yet know good from bad -they will enter the land. I will give it to them and they will take possession of it. These two passages lead me to believe that our baby is in fact in heaven and when the day comes that we get there we will see him or her again. For that I will take comfort and be glad.
As I said before I had to make the mind switch from why me/us to what lesson are you trying to teach me/us? It was a tough transition to make but one that was NEEDED to be made for me to move forward. Another sweet friend of mine sent us a beautiful flower arrangement and on it she had made reference to Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. God knows that Michael and I love and trust Him and that is our reminder that because we love and trust him everything will work out. She also reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Even though we do now know what His plans are for us we trust that His plan is the plan that is right for us. We trust that even though something terrible may happen it is happening for a reason. No where in the Bible does it say that life will be rainbows and butterflies all the time. We have comfort in the fact that no matter what God has our backs and God knows what He is doing. There may be great pain and suffering there may be joy and happiness but no matter what God is there with us. We do not have to go through it all alone.