Still Processing…

Hey friends!

After talking with Mr. Big Truck and processing some of what we have been through I am at a point where I am ready to share what happened. With that said I am in no way shape or form “over it” or totally at peace with it but I am ready to share and continue to heal.

Sunday August 16, 2015 started off as any typical Sunday would. We got up made breakfast and started our day. About 11am I started to get some serious pain in my lower right abdomen. I am talking pain to the point I couldn’t move. I laid down while #babybigtruck napped and when I got up it seemed to have subsided. At least it subsided enough for me to go about my day. Occasionally throughout the day I would get either dull aching pains or sharp stop me in my tracks pains. I pushed through the day and didn’t think much of it.

Monday rolled around and I still had some pain in my stomach but I didn’t think much of it. I had to take #babybigtruck to the doctor and then we had lunch with Siobhan and Luna and then we made our way home. I had mentioned to Mr. Big Truck that my stomach was still bothering me but still didn’t think much of it.

Tuesday I was at work and I was still having pain. I mentioned to Mr. Big Truck again that I was still having pain and that it was concentrated mostly in my lower right side. I had started to kick around the idea that it could have been my appendix. Mr. Big Truck urged me to go to the doctor because he was concerned it could be my appendix as well. I called the doctor and was able to get a last-minute appointment for 5:45pm. I finished my work day and left to get #babybigtruck get her home and started dinner for her. Ray met me at my house to sit with her until my mom got there with him while I went to the doctor.

I got to the doctor and after talking to him about what was going on and him doing a few little tests which resulted in me wanting to punch him in the face, he sent me to the ER to get a CatScan because he was thinking it was my appendix as well. Wonderful.

I got to the hospital and got checked in and had to do a urine sample. I was called back into a room and gave the nurse the sample and had to wait for them to come back to me. When the nurse came back in the first words out of his mouth were your urine test came back positive for pregnancy. EXCUSE ME WHAT?!?! Mr. Big Truck and I were not actively trying to get pregnant but we were also not preventing it so as much as a shock it was that I was pregnant I was happy about it. Correction we were ecstatic about it. After the nurse told me all this he also said that he wanted to get an IV started to get some fluids into me. After he left to get the stuff for an IV I called Mr. Big Truck and told him to come right to the hospital. He got there after I got my IV and was told that since I was pregnant that they were going to do and ultrasound instead of a CatScan.

I went down for the ultrasound and when I got back Mr. Big Truck had gotten me something to eat since the last time I had anything to eat was at 11am and it was 10pm at this point. I literally had 3 bites of my food and the doctor came back in and told us that although my blood test levels definitely confirm that I was pregnant there was no active pregnancy in my uterus seen in the ultrasound. My world literally stopped. I kinda blanked on what else the doctor said until the last few words came out of his mouth “…it is most likely an ectopic pregnancy which could be handled one of two ways. Either your body will absorb the embryo or you will have to have surgery.” The doctor also told me that he would be keeping me over night for observations and that the OB/GYN would be in to see me in the morning and that I would be having another ultrasound incase something was missed by the tech that did it that night. He also told me that I was not allowed to have anything to eat or drink in case of anything.

Wednesday morning rolled around and the OB/GYN came in and told me that they were doing another blood test to check my levels and then they were going to discharge me and have me go to a fertility specialist who also specializes in ectopic pregnancy to have the ultrasound done. The OB/GYN at the hospital seemed to feel that the pregnancy had absorbed and that in the next few days all would be well. Mr. Big Truck came back to the hospital and as they were getting the paperwork together for me to be discharged and the OB/GYN said that I could eat and drink again so Mr. Big Truck went to get me a flat bread sandwich from Dunkin Donuts.

We got to the fertility doctors office about 12:30pm. After filling out all the paperwork we were asked to wait in the waiting area. I sat there in silence with Mr. Big Truck. Silence because I didn’t know what to say. Silence because I knew if I said anything I was going to lose it again. Silence because I felt that I failed our baby. Silence because I felt that I failed Mr. Big Truck. Silence because I was confused, angry, and scared among so many other emotions. Most of all silence because I wanted to be as strong as possible because we still did not know 100% what was going on.

We got called back to the exam room and had to yet again wait for Dr. Damien to come in. When he did he did the ultrasound and again he confirmed that there was no viable pregnancy in my uterus. He started to look at my ovaries and fallopian tubes and as soon as he hit the ectopic I almost jumped off the table from the pain. He knew right then and there that it was indeed an ectopic. After talking about and figuring out that I was just about 6 weeks along he told us that while his preferred way to approach this is to give a medication that would help dissolve the pregnancy and avoid surgery. He said however that he was not confident that this approach was the right one for us. He said that I was internally bleeding and that he was going to have to go in and get the embryo out and try to save my fallopian tube. Save my fallopian tube? I was so confused. He went on to explain that for some reason the fertilized egg attached itself to my fallopian tube and started to grow. He said that until he got in and saw the extent of the damage he would not know if he would have to take it out. He said he would do everything that he could to save it. He told us that I would have surgery that evening as he was not comfortable with waiting to do the procedure because of the internal bleeding and he was leaving for vacation the next day. We were left alone in the exam room for a bit while they got the paperwork together.

Once Dr. Damien and the nurse left I lost it. Thank God for Mr. Big Truck. He has been my rock through all of this. He has been the one who has been by my side every step of the way. He has comforted me and held my hand and has let me cry on his shoulder. I could not have asked for a better husband to go through this with.

Dr. Damien came back with the paperwork and walked us through the procedure and told us what was going to happen. He was going in laparoscopically. One incision would be in my belly button, on directly above my c-section scar, and one to the left of it. He would go in take out the ectopic and try to save the tube. If he could not save the tube he would have to remove it. He asked me the last time I had something to eat or drink and I told him about 11am that morning. He asked what I had and I told him just a flat bread sandwich from Dunkin nothing heavy. He said that because I had eaten that they were going to have to wait till the evening to do the surgery because of the anesthesia. He was not happy about this because he was concerned that with the embryo still attached and growing it could explode my tube and that could be fatal to me. insert panic on my part and Mr. Big Trucks part. Dr. Damien said we were to go right to the hospital and get admitted and start being observed. Once all the paperwork was signed in his office we were on our way back to the hospital.

Once we got back to the hospital I was admitted right away and set up and hooked up to an IV and had to wait until the anesthesiologist and Dr. Damien felt that it was long enough since I had eaten to be put under. While I was getting admitted we were talking with the nurse about what was going to happen and since I was in the same day surgery area of the hospital she was telling us that by the time I came out of surgery the same day surgery area would probably be close but once I woke up I should be basically ready to go home. I was so relieved to hear that. I didn’t want to stay any longer in the hospital than I had to. About 6:30pm it was go time. I was taken back to the OR and the last thing I remember was Dr. Damien coming in saying he was going to take care of me and that everything was going to be fine. He reassured me that he was going to do everything he could to save my tube and he would talk to me on the flip side.

The next thing I remember is starting to wake up in the recovery room. I remember Mr. Big Truck being by my side gently talking to me trying to get me to wake up. Apparently I was having a hard time coming out of the anesthesia as it was pushing 2 hours and I was not up completely. When I finally came to I got some the low down on my surgery and I was crushed. I found out that Dr. Damien was not able to save the tube and that he had to remove it. I was also told that I was going to have to stay another night in the hospital. I lost it. I remember crying and begging to go home. I wanted my bed and I wanted my daughter. I wanted out of the hospital.

Thursday morning rolled around and I found myself awake with Mr. Big Truck by my side. He never went home. Instead he stayed by my side the entire night. I love him for that. They took more blood to check my levels and finally I got the news that I was going to be discharged. I was so relieved. We finally got home about 11am.

The day went on and my mom picked up #babybigtruck from school and brought her home. I was never more excited to see her than I was that evening. When she got home she ran to me and was so excited to see me. At this point I had not seen her since Tuesday evening when I left to go to the doctor. My mom and Ray were there the entire time taking care of her and taking back and forth from school. They were such a huge help.

Thursday night as we were getting ready to put #babybigtruck to bed Dr. Damien called to check on me. He went into detail about the surgery and told me that the internal bleeding was more than what he was expecting. He said that there was so much scar tissue attached to my tube that there was no way he could save it. When I was discharged from the hospital I was told no lifting which if you have a toddler you know is next to impossible so I asked him when I could start picking her up. He said to listen to my body and if I feel good go ahead but if I feel I can’t then I should put her down. He said he wanted me to make a follow-up appointment with him for sometime the week of August 31st.

Friday morning rolled around and my mom again took #babybigtruck to school for me. I tried to lay low all day and just rest. That evening I went to pick up #babybigtruck from school and she was so happy to see me. Thankfully one of the center directors walked out with us and helped me get her in her car seat.

Saturday again I wound up just lying around the house most of the day resting. Not only was I recovering from surgery but Mr. Big Truck and I had both picked up something in the hospital and we just felt like crap. My head was so stuffed I could not breath out of my nose. I felt terrible as it was Mr. Big Trucks birthday and we were supposed to go to Ocean City for the day. Needless to say we did not make it.

Sunday morning we got up and I had to get out of the house. We went to church in the morning and then came home so #babybigtruck could take a nap then we went to my mom’s house for a bit. My mom had made dinner and picked up a cake to celebrate Mr. Big Trucks birthday.

Little by little I am feeling physically better. I have just a little pain in my belly button from the surgery and I am sure it will take a bit longer for it to go away.

Emotionally and mentally I am a wreck. I am trying to process what happened. It all happened so fast. One minute I found out we were expecting our second child and we were excited and the next the rug was ripped out from under us and our worlds were exploding.

I have found myself asking why me? Did this happen because of my delivery and the mess that happened when I had #babybigtruck? Did I do something wrong? I have found myself apologizing to Mr. Big Truck saying I am sorry I didn’t protect our child. I feel like I let him down. I feel like I let down our child we will never meet. I feel like I am cheating #babybigtruck out of a sibling. I feel like all of this is my fault somehow. Now that I had one of my tubes taken out I wonder will we have a hard time getting pregnant again? When and if we do ever get pregnant again what are the chances that something like this will happen again? So many things go through my mind everyday. It kills me. I have found myself asking God for answers. Instead of asking why me, I have been trying to ask what lesson can I learn? I try to stop the negative thoughts and try to stay positive but sometimes it is just so hard. I find when I am alone my thoughts run rapid in my mind. Being busy with #babybigtruck is such a help. Even being home in the evenings with Mr. Big Truck helps.

I know I will get through this and I know I will get through it with God and Mr. Big Truck but man it is rough. No one should ever have to experience anything like this. Loss of a child even a child that I was only 6 weeks along with is not easy.

  Hugs, Nikki

I have 18 Lovely Comments, I would love to have yours... on Still Processing…

  1. avatar
    Kenya says:
    September 2, 2015

    LOVE YOU. xoxo

    • avatar
      Nikki says:
      September 2, 2015

      Love you!

  2. avatar
    Judy McCrea says:
    September 2, 2015

    There are no words to say after reading all that you have faced recently. The only words that I can offer are from my heart’s cry. I’m so very sorry for the losses you have faced and the pain, physical and emotional, you have, and are experiencing. This is a real loss that needs to be grieved, and you are doing that, as difficult as it is. And it IS difficult, almost impossible, and only with God’s arms of comfort around you can we make it through something this heartbreaking.

    My prayers will be ongoing as you walk through this tunnel to the other side where the sun shines again, and, eventually it will. But for now, rest in the love of others surrounding you, holding you, and rest in God. You don’t have to do anything, let Him do it all. He is faithful beyond anything we can ask or think. He is the God of all comfort. I believe that eventually He will fill your arms with another beautiful little one. That is not too hard for Him. But for now, know the healing presence that only He brings. My prayers are with you, truly they are.

    • avatar
      Nikki says:
      September 2, 2015

      Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean so so much. God is faithful and I know he has a plan.

  3. avatar
    Michael says:
    September 2, 2015

    Oh Nikki…. I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t have any words that will be of comfort to you. I’m so happy that Mr. Big Truck was exceptional and amazing throughout this whole ordeal. He is so amazing! And please, PLEASE do NOT blame yourself!! How could you have known/done anything?! This is NOT on you. You have failed no one. My heart aches for you all right now. Just know I’m thinking of you. xo

    • avatar
      Nikki says:
      September 2, 2015

      Thank you so much. Mr. Big Truck has been amazing through it all. Always by my side and willing to listen and just hold me when I cry. I really could not have asked for a better man. I try not to blame myself but it’s hard.

  4. avatar
    Nicole says:
    September 2, 2015

    I am so sorry for your loss. Just know you are not alone. I am praying for you. I know the heartbreak of a miscarriage and guilt you can feel firsthand. After each of mine I asked God why why could my body not accpt this child and why couldn’t I do the one thing as a woman I was supposed to. After 3 years of trying and multiple miscarriages plus lots of prayer and counseling I look at it as it’s progress. A pregnancy means I can get preganant. And I have 3 babies in heaven waiting on me. One of the things that was hardest was allowing myself to grieve. Grieve pray and keep moving but do it all on your pace. God has a plan bigger than any of us can imagine. Sorry for the non directional rambling. Praying for peace and comfort.

    • avatar
      Nikki says:
      September 2, 2015

      Thank you. I’m sorry for your losses as well. God is great and he has helped me and continues to help me through the process.

  5. avatar
    Sarah says:
    September 2, 2015

    So sorry for your loss. Praying for you during this time. So glad you have Mr. Big Truck there to be your rock.

    • avatar
      Nikki says:
      September 2, 2015

      Thank you!

  6. avatar
    Alana says:
    September 2, 2015

    I’m so sorry for your loss! I’m glad Mr Big Truck was so supportive and helped your through it!

    • avatar
      Nikki says:
      September 2, 2015

      Thank you!

  7. avatar
    Pinky says:
    September 2, 2015

    You know I love you <3!

    • avatar
      Nikki says:
      September 2, 2015

      <3 you too!

  8. avatar
    September 9, 2015

    I am so sorry that this trial came into your life! Thank you so much for opening up about it and being so vulnerable!! I obviously can’t say why it happened but I know you are going to learn so much and become that much better of a person because of what you are having to go through! I’m glad you are ok and that it was nothing fatal and sounds like you have an amazingly supportive husband and a sweet little girl by your side 🙂
    xo, Candace | Lovely Little Rants

    • avatar
      Nikki says:
      September 16, 2015

      Thank you! Yes my husband is amazing and is great support for me! I honestly do not know how I would get through it without him!

  9. avatar
    Mateya says:
    September 14, 2015

    I just saw this, I am so sorry to hear! I can’t imagine what a whirlwind of emotions that was and how heartbroken you are. I will be praying for comfort for you during this time!

    • avatar
      Nikki says:
      September 16, 2015

      Thank you! Yeah it has been an emotional roller coaster but thankfully God is in control and he is getting us through it! <3

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